Proud and tall, Optim-Eyes was spectacularly perfect, drawing the eyes of every witch and wizard who wandered down the long lane of Diagon Alley. It’s grandeur rivalled even the famous Gringott’s Wizarding Bank, which paled in comparison next to Optim-Eyes’ glossy marble storefront. Beams of sunlight bounced brilliantly off the many mirrored panels in the walls. These warmed the flocks of school-girls rushing frantically to it’s doors. Platinum-trimmed revolving doors spun with the grace of a ballerina, as a small limp-haired girl dashed through. The interior revealed row upon row of the most extravagant eyewear anyone had ever seen, and the girl’s eyes lit up.
Inside, a calming vanilla smell took-over, with clouds of the sweet scent wafting down gently from the diffusers embedded in the sky-high ceilings. Skylight windows lit up the large store with stunningly bright natural light, bewitched to always give off the impression of a perfect day’s weather. If one listened hard enough, they could just hear the airy chiming of dozens of small bells, ringing from the hidden production line deep underground.
Shockingly bright marble walls gave the interior a regal aura. Gold framing lined the sharp edged mirrors that hovered at eye-level, bewitched to change position for the shorter customers who entered the store. As the girl sprinted past, one dropped suddenly, eager to be of use.
Silk robed shop assistants roamed the dark hardwood floors, keeping a watchful eye over the dozens of customers within the store’s vast walls. Their beady eyes somehow maintained a warm and welcoming haze, even whilst they meticulously watched for light-handed pickpockets. They gazed in disapproval of the young girl’s rapid pace, watching her thin frame weave through the crowded shop floor.
The rather mousy girl continued her wild journey through the store, almost tripping over the lush red velveteen benches that lined the walls. Along them sat dozens of thrilled young witches, each of them looking their own idea of flawless. Upon their seemingly perfect faces, one detail matched identically. Golden. Glimmering. Opti-Specs.
These enchanted spectacles looked almost ordinary to any old muggle, with their thin gold wire frames appearing to be nothing special. However, if a pair of these was seen in a place such as Diagon Alley, crowds would stare enviously. An extremely complex enchantment had been cast over each and every pair, so that their wearer appeared stunningly flawless; perfectly imperfect.
The meagre girl reached out a thin arm, delicately lifting a pair of the illustrious Opti-Specs, pulling them onto her face carefully. Suddenly, everything changed. Her robes immediately freshened, ridding themselves of any creases. Glorious curls waved down her back as the girl leapt up in excitement, running to show her mother and beg her to pay the steep price tag of 5 golden galleons.
Rejected, the girl made her way back to the door, gloomily gazing at all the store’s trimmings that had seemed so exciting. She took one last glance goodbye, before pushing through the previously thrilling doors. Optim-Eyes and it’s magical content would remain a dream; for now.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Casey,
Here is some feedback.
You need to work on your paragraphing a little. Remember in creative writing, whenever you begin writing about a new idea, it starts a new paragraph. This will improve the flow of your writing and allow your reader to engage with your piece.
Remember to add as much detail about the shop itself in order to allow your reader to experience the place. There is a lot of really great description in here but there needs to be more about the store itself.
Be cautious of using the empty adjectives we’ve discussed in class. The more descriptive detail you add, the better.
Good work.
Mr Johnson
Hi Casey,
In addition to the previous feedback,
There are some moments where you could use some figurative language to enhance the showing, rather than the telling.
There is some interesting, but unnecessary detail that you have added in at times.
Read your work out loud to help catch the moments where the word you’ve chosen doesn’t quite fit with your intention.
Mr Johnson